


Letters from the Commander

by Jicklet



Series: Mages of Thedas [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 09:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jicklet/pseuds/Jicklet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Commander of the Grey and her lover are apart during Awakening, she begins writing letters to keep him updated and herself sane. Eventually turns into a diary. Thoughts on her new recruits, being both a mage and Warden-Commander... Starts off a bit gushy, gets darker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If you didn't want them you should've been here to stop me

Dear Alistair,

I was trying to find an unselfish way to begin this letter, but I can't get past "I miss you." Every day I regret more and more that we couldn't finish our trip together, but the Wardens need stability right now, and I suppose--for lack of a better option--right now, that means me. Bah. Anyway, I hope you and my favorite assassin are getting along. Not too well though, if you're going to "hop borders" I want to be there to witness!

I do hope you're getting that annoyed/flustered frown I adore.

I've been missing you even more than usual these past few days. I don't wish to worry you (surely the most worrying preface in existence), but my arrival at the Keep did not go as quite smoothly as we'd hoped. Just as I arrived, we found it under siege by Darkspawn. The Wardens sent from Orlais are all dead, and our defenses are not as strong as we thought. So it falls to me to refortify the keep and replenish our numbers. 

Before you rush back here, there is some good news: I already have a few new recruits! Though I oftentimes find myself defending these new Wardens to you in my head.

_"Really, Kara? You think these are worthy of being Wardens? A apostate runaway, the son of that rat-faced bastard Howe... and **Oghren?!"**_

Now my handsome, sexy, almost-Templar, I realize they aren't exactly the most recommended group, but at first glance, was our team who defeated the Blight any better?

_“...Yes."_

Well, maybe they'll grow on you with time.

~~They’ve still got to grow on me.~~

 

All my love,

Kara Amell 

Commander of the Grey <\--(come back here and explain how this happened)


	2. So this is my team.

Dear Alistair,

My team follows orders--barely.

Anders (the mage) is at least friendly on the surface, but this is a man who escaped from the tower _seven times._ He has some pretty strong authority issues. I do vaguely remember him - He obviously wasn't around a lot, but he was something of a legend among the apprentices. I remember him best as the one whose attempt to swim across Lake Calenhad moved our weekly exercises back inside. Luckily, we had Darkspawn to kill after I met him, because I had years of built-up resentment to get rid of. ~~Though, I guess that's a bit misplaced. They do try to turn us against each other, don't they?~~

Then there's Nathaniel Howe. He snuck into the Keep to try and kill me, if you can believe that. As soon as Zevran leaves my back, another would-be assassin takes his place. If I'd known this was what being Hero of Ferelden meant, I would have run off with you to the Free Marches. 

Anyway, I know how you feel about hiring people who tried to kill us, but he just felt... lost. He doesn't understand the Wardens, he still doesn't fully understand what happened to his father. Plus, it took four Wardens to capture him. What a waste it would be to not make use of that kind of talent! Stop raising your eyebrow skeptically, I know this all doesn't sound very reassuring. I'm still not turning my back to him. But I really don't feel he'll make an attempt on my life again. He wants answers, and I promised he'd get them. He seems both resentful and confused that I saved his life, but he's been taking his new duty seriously at least. He just gives me the most spiteful look if I speak to him directly.

So Anders is all right with me as a person, but is against following orders on principle, and then Nathaniel loathes me but seems like a generally okay fellow if I can get past the open hostility.

Then there's Oghren. I'd say it was nice to at least have one loyal Warden in the order, but even he worries me. He dodges the subject, but I think he's left Felsi. He seems to be using the Wardens as a way to escape his responsibilities. At least he hasn't turned completely to drink, I suppose. I'll continue trying to figure out what happened, but I can't help this feeling of guilt when I think that I was the one responsible for encouraging them to get together if he was just going to leave her again. But we'll see. 

 

Love, 

Kara

Warden Commander (barely) 


	3. I don't want to worry you, but...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following was thrown into the fire and never sent.

All right Zev, I know you're snooping on this letter, but here's where you need to stop. I swear you're not going to miss anything dirty. And you know I trust you more than anyone (except for that gorgeous man over there), but this is a Warden issue, and it's private. Please respect that and I swear I'll make it up to you somehow.

Something's wrong, Alistair. I'm sure you've noticed how active the Darkspawn still are. And at the keep we fought... a talking darkspawn. It was TALKING! In all my research, I've never read about anyone encountering anything like that. Worse, they still seem to have some sort of plan, despite the lack of Archdemon to lead them. Could they be evolving?

I can't help but fear this has something to do with our unpleasant discussion the night before the battle. Did we not defeat the Archdemon... right? Was it supposed to matter? Why couldn't Riordan have told us sooner? Why did Morri

I wasn't supposed to worry you

can't send this

nevermi


	4. What keeps me up at night.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near the end of Awakening.

Sometimes I think about where I am in life - Hero of Ferelden, Commander of the Grey, "Arlessa" of Amaranthine - and I have to go off by myself somewhere and put my head between my knees. How did I get here? I've done things in the last few years that I never could've have imagined in my wildest dreams of freedom from the tower. Arguably, I've seen and done more than any other citizen of Ferelden - Alistair being a close second. Uh, unless you count Flemeth. Ugh. Chill up my spine. I'd like to believe she's gone, but deep down I can't lie to myself. It's a bit disturbing how good I've gotten at surpressing screams when waking up from a nightmare. Anyways, where was I? 

A mage was never supposed to have this kind of power. I'm scared--well, maybe scared isn't quite the right word. But it's always in the back of my mind that the Chantry is going to swoop down on me someday and take it all away from me. As powerful as I've gotten, and as many allies as I've gained, they could still gather up enough Templars and corner me one day while I'm out on a mission... They'd have to kill me. No way would my team let it go if it looked like I were still alive (right)? They'd get me alone, make it look like Darkspawn, or Mercenaries...

It's still early for Alistair to be back. I get paranoid when he's away. Maybe I'll talk to Anders. No, Nate. Anders'll take it too seriously. But Nate might think I'm... Ah, no reason to bring it up. Unless it puts them in danger too.

See? This is what I have to deal with. I don't belong in charge of people. Everyone makes this big deal over all I accomplished during the Blight (fastest stopped, thank you very much. Okay, I guess I am a little proud). But really, what did I do? I had a list. Get the dwarves, the mages, elves, Arl Eamon. I could do that. I'm charming, I've always been able to talk people into things. You just have to figure out what they want, and make it seem like giving you what you want is the same path. But the only one I'm really proud of is the elves. There could have been so much more bloodshed that was averted. But the tower? I got there too late for most. Kaitlyn, Taisia, Niall... I'll always wonder what I could have done if Duncan hadn't taken me away ~~to save you, you mean. What good could you have done from Aeonar?~~. Maybe if Jowan hadn't... or if I hadn't helped... ~~Maybes do nothing. You don't let Alistair dwell, you don't get to either~~ I suppose. Anyways... Oh. The dwarves. I was so fed up with the dwarves that I put a man on their throne just because his emissary was less of a dick than the other man's. Some political mastermind I am. Hmm. I suppose I broke two royal bloodlines, the Aeducans AND Calenhad. Sorry Eamon. As much as I believe Alistair could have stepped up, Anora wanted it, and it was his nightmare. I couldn't do that to him.

I started this to vent about how unqualified I feel, and ended up justifying my decisions. Kara, how do you manage to have simultaneously the biggest and smallest ego in Thedas? 

Time to go kill something. 


	5. Returning from Weisshaupt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As my Warden is a mage, Anders complaining about all the Templars harassing him in the Wardens was a bit strange. This is my way of explaining it for Kara's universe.

I should have known it was only a matter of time. I'm still Warden-Commander, but it feels as if it is only in name now. The Wardens are no longer under my control, not really. Now that there are Templars installed in my order to watch us.

It all started after the death of the Broodmother. I was summoned to Weishaupt to report in person, which was odd enough. But it was a unique situation, I thought. Defeating the Blight is too common an occurrence to warrant an in-person report, but a change in the nature of the 'spawn? I had to explain what happened with the Architect, and the deal I made.

But then... The Chantry spoke up. The Chantry! At a Warden meeting! They weren't allowed to hear everything, but they'd heard enough, about how I "handle my Wardens." I, whose recruitment stopped the justice I should have received for aiding a blood mage (loudly unregretted). Who allowed an apostate to accompany me on my quest. Who asked for independence for Kinloch Hold (though rejected), then conscripted two apostates into my order out of the hands of chantry justice. According to them, I am a danger, possibly forming my own "mage army" in defiance of the Chantry's rejection of my request for the Circle's freedom.

I still don't know how to feel. At first it was almost funny, how off-base they were. Then, I got angry. How dare they presume to know me, my motives? I may be sympathetic to my fellow mages when I see potential for good, I am no monster. But my allegiance is first and foremost to the Wardens. The Spawn threat in Ferelden is what I live for.

Maybe... maybe I did hope that we could serve as an example, a sign to the Chantry that mages can do good in the world. That we don't have to all be locked away in a tower...

But it wasn't enough.

After it was over, that indignant rage burned away to... nothing. I feel a profound sense of emptiness. Sadness. Frustration.

We start the trek back to the Vigil in the morning. What will I say to my team? What do I tell Velanna? Anders?

These are the hard moments. Feeling like I failed, hating myself, but having to carry out these orders to my team. And convince them to go along with something I don't think is fair.

Maybe a darkspawn will get me on the way back.  


End file.
